Who Do You Think Wins a Showdown

"The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago." –Stephen Colbert

"Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback." –Conan O'Brien

"I guess we're getting ready to attack Syria. But if we win, in the semifinals we face Iran." –David Letterman

"If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare." –Jay Leno